Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
