Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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