then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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