i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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