As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
