somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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