Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
