I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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