and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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