Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
