After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
