Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
