I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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