I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize