there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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