Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
