we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
