There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize