Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
