He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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