The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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