I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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