I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
