Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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