well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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