Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
