I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
A+ Viking dick
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
