Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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