i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
