I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
