Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize