i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
why is half of my head shaved?
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