the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
