ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
