Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Oh god it's open bar.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
