please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
