and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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