yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
