To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
