Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize