dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
