The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
