I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
