When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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