drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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