Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
