please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
