I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize