Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
