I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
