you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
