i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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