my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
