we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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