It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize